1.23.2013

On the Future, Tea, and Everything Else

This is for me. 

A place to organize my thoughts in writing. Things seem to make more sense when they are written/typed out, as opposed to spoken.
  
I have been struggling lately. I have been working at a job that I hate, a job that does not value me. A job that I have stayed at for money.

I don’t exactly know what I want to do, and maybe that’s the point. Maybe if I had my mind set in stone I wouldn’t see a good opportunity when it presented itself. However, I do know the kind of life I want to lead, and for the first time ever, the career isn't one of the primary points in it. When people ask what you want to do when you grow up, what do you want to be.... they are asking for a career choice. I want to start replying, "Happy. I want to be happy when I grow up." I'm realizing that the career is secondary. It is important to support the kind of life I want to lead, not vice versa. People want you to think that if you aren’t working at an office job or if you don’t have a super fancy career you aren’t successful. But I’ve been working behind a desk, wearing khaki pants, for long enough to know that this version of “success” isn’t worth it. It is not making me happy. It is making me grumpy. It makes me grumpy to my friends. It makes me want to savor every little bit of free time, by sitting at home, curled up on my couch. It makes me grumpy to my husband. I don’t want that to continue.

I’m not saying I don’t want to work. I’m not saying I want to be lazy. I am saying that if I want to be a coffee barista and make minimum wage… that is ok. If I want to work in my friend’s tea business… then that is more than ok. In fact, it's great. And if anyone tells me it's not ok, then they can go fuck themselves. (Sorry if my harsh language bothers you, my feelings and emotions right now are harsh.)

There are a lot of things that I don't know. And that's ok. Here is what I do know:


I want to be silly, and kind, and passionate.
I want to be fearless, and daring.
I want to wear hats. All of the time.
I want tattoos all over my arms.
I want to love what I do.
I want to slow down.
I want to be more creative.
I want to feel like what I do is helping others.
I want to be surrounded by positive energy.
I don’t want to feel like my life is flying past me because work takes up so much of my energy.
I want to be able to have time to think.
I don’t want to change jobs all the time, in fact, if I could have one job forever I would be happy.
I would love to start writing again.
I want to live a simple life, and I do not believe that is backward thinking. I believe that is forward thinking.
I am trying to erase my idea of what my life should look like.
I am trying to recreate my idea of what I want my life to look like.


For now, financially, practically, and in order for me not to go insane, I need to do something. I think that means going back to school, but maybe not.

I know that most of this could probably have been easily summarized, and I still could have gotten my point across. But I don't think you'll mind reading it anyways.

Most of this was really for me anyways. It has helped me see things just a bit clearer.

Much love,
Your friend who really needed to say all that,
And who thanks you for listening/reading,
Breezy  

2 comments:

  1. I love to hear you think on paper/screen.
    It all makes more sense when it is strung out with words in sentences and ideas and emotions.
    You make paper talk.

    Thanks for writing.
    I love to listen.
    I also love tea and wearing hats all of the time. I dont think that this necessarily means going back to school.

    I think it means change. And alls you know is school and work so that would be much of a change, now would it?

    I think it means different. A friend's tea shop business is different. A laid back caffeine motivated job is different. There is people and brief conversation that might actually change you and your outlook on life.
    Now what am I even saying? Do you know? Because I don't even know.

    Maybe I need to write.
    Maybe this means we need to journal more, or blog more. But most definitely write more. On different types of paper. Lined, colored, and blank. In different sizes and handwriting.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks sister. You are sweet. And every day, I think about the possibility of working in the tea shop just a little bit more, and I get a little bit more excited, and that makes me be just a little bit braver. I'm lucky to have the support from the few people that really matter.

    I don't know about you, but I know that I need to write more. It's too hard trying to stifle it into your brain every day and not have an outlet. And you're my sister, so you're probably like me.

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